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November 30, 2003
how sweet and open minded of you darling
It’s been a while since I’ve talked about really personal things. A friend just reminded me of a tale from way back when -- a time when I avoided writing about politics like I avoided the smelly kid in 4th grade.
While I’ve never dated a Republican (I’m sure there are a few single right wing men here in California but I certainly haven’t met 'em) politics has never been an issue. Mostly, my boyfriend finds it “cute” that I have my own ideas and don’t just follow the herd of blonde 30-something-year-old liberals. Because that would be much easier, believe me.
This one man, we’ll call him John (because that’s his name) had been in and out of my life for a few years. He’s smart, educated, cute as a button and we had lots in common.
Timing is everything and our timing was always askew. Finally we were both single at the same time and met up for dinner. We’d been out together many times before – politics had never been mentioned.
Much to my shock and delight towards the end of dinner John said he’d like to see where things go with us and was glad we finally got our timing in sync. As he walked me out to my car John said something about the Presidential election. It was not the time nor place to get into a discussion so I just smiled. He stopped dead in his tracks.
"Don’t tell me you are a Republican…"
"Why, would it matter?"
"I don’t know, I think it might."
"Liberal by definition means you support personal freedoms, are tolerant and open minded."
"I know but I just don’t think I can be openminded with your political choices."
"So you have an open mind as long as someone agrees with you?"
"Stop it, Mox"
"So you are a Liberal but NOT liberal..."
"Guess I need to think long and hard about whether I can date someone who agrees with the wacky things that party supports."
"You’ve got to be kidding me…"
He wasn't. The next day I got this email:
Mox,I’m very attracted to you and had a really great time at dinner last night but I simply cannot believe you belong to that party and I will not associate with you.
I’m sorry, I really liked you until I heard you are a Republican.
-John
Now either that was the most contrived “thanks, but no thanks” or the DNC has him on the payroll. He’s not MY liberal boyfriend. Thank gawd.
blog you must check out: sean bonner
Posted by Moxie at 2:29 AM | Comments (30)
November 28, 2003
Los Angeles smells like shit
I was sitting on the balcony Thanksgiving afternoon enjoying the balmy weather with one of my gracious hosts when he said, “I really have to apologize for all the poop.”
“oh, it’s okay,” I said. “I’m used to it. They spread it everywhere within a two block radius in my hood as well.”
“Do you think it confuses the dogs, as in they don’t think they can go there because it smells like someone else just did?”
“More importantly, do you think they cook it in a kiln for the prerequisite number of hours so it’s not toxic?”
“I’d hope so but I thought the bacteria was one of the things that make it smell so awful.”
“There’s a surplus of cat shit at my house, I wonder if I can get into the business?”
“Do you have a kiln?”
I suppose at this point I should interrupt this heartwarming pre-Thanksgiving dinner talk to explain.
A day or two before Angelenos clear out for the long weekend the lawn jockeys cut the grass down to the root and generously cover the yard with some sort of foul smelling fertilizer. Think cow manure. It’s been beautiful, in the mid 70’s the last two days and the sun only compounded the fertilizer’s unique “aroma.”
If you are wondering if there is a point to this story -- there isn’t. But how many times have you been a guest at someone’s home and heard, “I have to apologize for all the poop?”
That’s what I thought.
Posted by Moxie at 8:38 PM | Comments (10)
November 27, 2003
Do blogs get stale?
I think they do -- much like 3 year-old bread.
While I do write for myself, typically a few times a year I want to hear which things you like to read best.
For anyone who is new, this site has hosted my local and national political musings, social commentary, reality show updates, Los Angeles stories, irreverent observations, stories about my cat's secret lives (Phoebe is a Republican serving in Bush's cabinet and Bentley is a Libertarian), satire (no one gets it) blah, blah, blah.
You tell me. Thanksgiving stories will follow however you need to be willing and able to read about how LA stinks this time of year. And you can't be unwilling to hear about poop.
I wish I was kidding. Ask anyone who lives in LA.
Posted by Moxie at 11:28 PM | Comments (13)
November 24, 2003
if he's not -- who is?
After reading the piece on the Bush backlash in Time today I was excited to see a bit of predictable political dissent at the neighborhood coffee shop.
I spotted a Silver Lake hipster whose Caesar style haircut and vintage t-shirt was accessorized with a “he’s not MY president” pin on the lapel of his jacket.
He looked up and smiled so I asked him about his button
Moxie:
I couldn’t help but notice your button.
Hipster:
Yeah, I can’t stand that guy.
Moxie:
If Bush isn’t your President who is?
Hipster:
What do you mean?
Moxie:
Well, I haven’t heard a thing about what YOUR President’s administration has been doing so I thought I’d ask.
Hipster:
Oh, you’re kidding. For a minute I thought you were a right wing bible thumper.
Moxie:
No, I’m serious. What is your President’s name? I don’t even know his name.
Hipster:
Umm, Al Gore I guess.
Moxie:
Oh! Al Gore! I forgot all about him. What are his approval ratings?
Hipster:
Hmm, 100% for those who wear these buttons I’d imagine.
Rather than get into a “my President could beat up your President” discussion I got my coffee to go. On the way out I couldn’t help but ask him one last question.
Moxie:
Hey I’m making some, “He’s not MY Michael Jackson” buttons would you be interested in pre-ordering one?
Hipster:
No thanks, I’ll stick to the one I have.
Moxie:
Your Michael Jackson or your button?
Hipster:
Both.
Plain black coffee $1.75 + tax
Walk to the coffee shop, -15 calories,
Conversation with the “he’s not my President guy,”
priceless.
Posted by Moxie at 5:32 PM | Comments (1)
incompetent drivers
Some people have good luck.
I’m not one of those people.
Since I’ve had my drivers license my car has been hit while parked exactly 5 times. Of those five times exactly 0 (zero) people have left me a note.
Interestingly enough – I have never hit a parked car. But if I did, I would most certainly leave a note.
The total cost of the last four body repairs is over $3,000. Three thousand dollars for someone else's bad. I say the last four because the fifth occurrence of this hit and run phenomenon took place last night.
The front of my car was hit by some sort of SUV (medium blue) and my hood has been dented, colored blue and neatly folded under so that I cannot open the above mentioned hood.
I just want to send a shout out to the fucker who steamrolled my go cart – learn to parallel park you asshat. Learn to write your name and phone number, it will come in handy. Learn some goddamn accountability. You hit it, you pay for it. Or at least that's the way it works for people who have a conscience. Read about karma, because you have a ton of hot steaming shit headed your way.
That is all.
Posted by Moxie at 10:23 AM | Comments (25)
November 21, 2003
sharing a bed
All the Jacko talk on the news reminded me of an amusing story from my childhood.
When I was little we’d visit my Grandmother’s house several times a year. Being one of many cousins we’d all pile into my Grandma’s bed and she’d make up fabulous stories that never ended until we all fell asleep.
Other times we’d all pile into the bed of my Aunt who was still living at my Grandma’s house. We’d make her teach us to apply makeup before the lights went out and we’d tell ghost stories and talk about the boys from school we liked and last but not least we’d pester my Aunt about her fiancé. Had she kissed him?
During one particular visit -- everything that had been the norm was about to be questioned.
My cousin Stacy was about 10 and I was 9 and it was the night before my Aunt’s wedding. Grandma’s house had 5 bedrooms and two living rooms and every couch, bed and warm floor space was occupied with out-of-state guests. Stacy and I got the “privilege” of sharing the bed with the future bride.
“You girls go right to sleep, I’m getting married in the morning and want to look rested,” she warned us.
Long after my Aunt was asleep my cousin and I were awake and whispering.
“We shouldn’t be sharing a bed,” Stacy informed me.
“Why?”
“Sister Margaret taught us about adultery last week.”
“What’s that?”
“Well, Aunt Robin is about to be married and I’ve got a boyfriend now.”
“So?”
“So, when you are committed to someone you can’t sleep with other people,” she explained.
I laughed and Stacy got angry.
“Why are you laughing?”
“Sleeping in the same bed isn’t the same thing as sex,” I told her matter of factly.
“Sex?”
“You know where the man lies on top of the woman so they can make a baby”
“Oh.”
Stacy said she’d ask Sister Margaret that Monday. I never heard her say another word about it again. Those dang Catholic school educations.
Posted by Moxie at 12:15 AM | Comments (11)
November 20, 2003
mo' moxie
{I wrote an incredibly witty entry, went to sleep and bam it's gone! New and less witty entry is below}
I'm cheating on you.
I've begun to blog in someone else's domain. Quite honestly, it's very exciting for me. Legally trespassing! Posting of my Los Angeles Republican ramblings on a Libertarian's web site. Political co-mingling! Who wouldn't be turned on?
Some entries will be cross-posted (but not cross-dressed), while other entries will be unique to one site or the other.
If you haven't been reading The Agitator, you should be and no better time to start than now!
All that said, I'm incredibly flattered by Radley Balko's invitation and hope you will all keep an eye on both sites.
My new entry is posted over there right now!
Posted by Moxie at 7:18 AM | Comments (4)
November 18, 2003
phoebe-watch 2003
Some readers have emailed and asked why Phoebe hasn't posted recently. Last week she packed her suitcase and jumped into a limo with tinted windows.
Haven't heard from her and had no idea where she's been until I spotted this photo today...
I will try to chronicle her trip as best I can, but of course -- if you see Phoebe be sure to let me know.
Phoebe writes:
"Wish you were here...."
Posted by Moxie at 5:33 PM | Comments (3)
tax my chest...please
It was a pretty good day in California. Not only did Arnold get sworn in, he kept his promise and rescinded the 300% increase in the car tax. You could feel the lilt in the step of the city.
For those in other states that are lucky enough to pay a flat rate to register their car, or those who pay a reasonable registration fee -- count your blessings. I have lived in states where the registration fee was equivalent to the cost of a modest lunch.
Here it is based on value and I have paid just over 300 dollars a year just to register my 18 year old automobile. With the increase I was looking at:
$300 x 3 = $900
A year.
It may take a few months to take effect, but I'd rather they tax something that doesn't affect the lower and middle class's ability to get to and from their crappy jobs.
Hell, even the illegal immigrants that Gray gave driver's licenses were complaining.
I'd also rather they not tax something that will prevent the rich from buying that big fancy BMW to impress their colleagues. Car sales have been way down all over this golden coast and that's bad for the local economy.
Now that Arnold undid Gray's bad, some folks (liberals) wonder how we will pay for our road maintenance, police and firefighter salaries. I have a few ideas. So did a porn star who ran for governator.
Mary Carey had a brilliant idea -- I cringe as I type that, however one must give credit where credit is due.
Why not impose a tax on all non-essential cosmetic surgery. Like boob jobs. If you got the 5 grand to drop for the big fake double D's from your married boyfriend how about chipping in on a tax that will keep our roads nice and pot-hole free. Your new chest will thank you for it as you cruise down the freeway in your big stupid SUV.
That leads us to the next idea -- I like the "big stupid SUV tax." It's the next level in the luxury tax. If your vehicle is large enough to take up two parking spaces and sucks the air out of baby's lungs -- you should pay a triple tax to the fireman who will likely scrape the bodies of those you've run over from our pot-hole free roads (see the big fake boob tax above).
How about the Democrat-tax? If you are a bleeding heart liberal Hollywood type who's enthusiastic about being taxed -- since you can complain about how much of your 10 billion dollar paycheck went to taxes and have your big fake-chested girlfriend sigh and cry wondering if you can still buy her a pair of Jimmy Choo's -- then you chip in what you feel will make you a good Dem.
You make 12 million a year and only "need" 5 million to live...offer to pay a couple million toward the police officers who guard your estate when that crazy stalker takes a bus to California from his midwest hovel because he hated your last film. Do I sound like a Libertarian now or what?
On that note what about the Michael Moore donut and ding-dong tax? If you buy one of his so-called "books" there is a 100 dollar stupidity tax. Per book.
How about the peace-protest fee -- you feed a hungry former dot com worker for a month if you dare carry a misspelled and ignorant sign in a protest about how unjust this war is while snarling traffic on a major thoroughfare.
Your ideas can be left below. Help save Kalifornia, do your part.
elsewhere: the lovely and talented miss cecile
Posted by Moxie at 1:36 AM | Comments (15)
November 13, 2003
next up for the golden state? earthquakes
Late fall heatwaves, fires, famine, no public transit, floods, hail, thunder and lightning storms?
All in less than one month.
It would seem the gods are unhappy with Los Angeles -- or maybe just the lackluster fall season on NBC.
Perhaps it's Allah expressing his wrathful distaste for British and American cinematic creations such as "Gigli" and "Love, actually."
During my 10 years living in California (northern and southern) I've only witnessed two maybe three cracks of thunder in total. Today was a regular east coast style extravaganza.
I suppose all that's left is pestilence (almost SARS season) and the big one.
An earthquake, that is. As we saw in Paris Hilton's video there are already a few big ones of various categories rearing their ugly heads.
I'm sure Shannen Doherty's wandering husband had no idea that the Paris Hilton's "wet bar" offered such *interesting* amenities.
Surely a celebutante's sex video is a sign of the impending rapture.
I'm fairly certain California will finally fall into the ocean. Shortly.
For the record, I being of sound mind want to be cremated and my ashes spread in the desert. I leave the few things I own to my parents and any pennies in my paypal account should go to a no-kill animal shelter.
No funeral, please. I'd just like anyone who cares about me to have a glass of Verve Cliquot and make an eloquent toast to Arnold who will have to clean up the mess. He'll need your good thoughts and wishes more than I will.
Posted by Moxie at 12:43 AM | Comments (17)
November 11, 2003
hustler and CBS compete
Los Angeles -- Hustler, not to be outdone by CBS in wronging those who are injured, maimed or unable to speak for themselves has announced it possesses topless pictures of former P.O.W. Jessica Lynch.
This not only marks a milestone in the downfall of American print media (in case the LA Times wasn't reason enough to abandon all hope) but is also a slap in the face to all those who have served in our military and have looked the enemy in the eye without a weapon.
What the hell is wrong with people? Creeps who disrespect someone who gave her life to serve for a few years in hopes of spreading Democracy (to the civility-deprived Middle East, no less) is beyond contempt.
Even if she was topless -- why are Americans so shocked by the bare breast? In some cultures it's perfectly normal and acceptable to be comfortable. Imagine that.
Repressed much?
Perhaps there are too many out there who were never breastfed. Maybe it's because Flynt believes so many men are nothing but big babies and would support a beyond tasteless move on the part of Hustler.
Flynt's rancid publication is half in the can as it stands, are they taking advantage of a Prisoner of War for publicity? Does anyone really care at this point -- I didn't think so.
If the military gets no respect and is available for exploitation I can only wonder what's next.
Rumor has it that Playgirl is planning a double delight -- a Saddam and Baghdad Bob disrobed centerfold. God help us.
{until I get categories implemented, for the satirically challenged like our friend MT, this entry is half serious and half tongue-in-cheek. which half is for you to determine}
Post-post UPDATE: The flynt pig said after a change of heart he's not going to publish the photos. Thanks Martin!
Posted by Moxie at 5:33 AM | Comments (23)
imagine this
let's pretend i just wrote a long and meaningful post.
maybe i broke the big story that i know about and can't reveal.
some of you laughed and some of you cried but everyone was happy.
visualize that i posted a cool new photo from my camera (which is being repaired right now thanks to all of you).
pretend for a second that i have this exciting life, a loving boyfriend who understands me and a really cool tattoo. and i just shared incredibly interesting stories.
let's envision that bentley's ass didn't explode again, almost a year to the day after his infamous swollen anus debacle.
know that hundreds of people land here via google because they searched for the words swollen anus.
i am proud it took three years to become the THE source for problems with assholes.
ignore that i have to cook special meals for my CAT 3 times a day since medication did nothing and i don't even cook for myself anymore.
assume that i am sober and that this was the greatest post ever.
insert more laughter and tears here.
now close your eyes and see my post properly spelled, punctuated and capitalized.
think for a moment that i am busy but thinking of my bloggy neglect.
i will pretend i don't feel guilty.
Posted by Moxie at 1:09 AM | Comments (8)
November 6, 2003
my rejected sitcom pitch: the reagans
I have no idea why CBS turned me down...
"A wacky family sit-com where Ronnie a former actor (who may or may not consider himself the anti-christ) is President of a land and ends a cold war but cusses at his wife Nancy -- who wears the pants for her President husband and has a permanently furrowed brow that in any other time could simply be treated with botox.
Ronnie makes jokes and judgments about those with AIDS and calls his married son gay for dancing in the Joffrey ballet but then can't remember saying those things because he has Alzheimers. There's a daughter in there somewhere, also a mouthy factually-bereft singer named Streisand who turns into an asshat liberal activist."
Where did I go wrong?
Posted by Moxie at 1:20 AM | Comments (24)
November 3, 2003
Personality is most important -- if he's good looking
Average Joe, the latest take-off on the reality dating craze premiered Monday night. NBC was at least kind enough to alter their beauty and beast references to beauty and the geeks.
Upon arrival of the short bus with her knights in flabby armour, it was hard to feel sorry for the shirking Melana -- this series bachelorette -- who despite saying personality was tops was clearly expecting to see the standard teevee fare of not-hard-on-the-eyes single men. Even harder was to feel sorry for several of the self-proclaimed geeks who made asses out of themselves within minutes and my instinct was indeed to feel sympathy for being tagged as average on national teevee.
If nothing else, Average Joe proves you don't have to be good looking to act like a jerk. In no time the men were drunk, picking fights, forming cliques and behaving in a manner that was far less appealing than their looks.
Once they met the babe, it wasn't much better:
Zach didn't think he belonged with this "revenge of the nerds" herd. He does.
Tareq, a 21 year old with a PhD asked Melana if she liked broccoli. In his British-sounding accent he declared in the queen's English that he doesn't care much for green vegetables.
One man barely left room for her to enter the polaroid booth to take their required snapshots. And he pointed it out about 3 times.
Apparently few of these men understand the concept of sunscreen. Tucked away on a Palm Springs hilltop they sported patchy sunburn which, on camera looked more like leprosy than the result of a drunken afternoon spent in the desert sun.
Seems next week's big twist is the arrival of some better looking men. And Melana really *struggles* because she's become attached to the 4 best looking Average Joes.
Par for the course (a la Joe Millionaire) the goal of this series is to show how superficial women are when it comes to dating.
This is the primary goal of the men who run our networks. And they wonder why viewership is down and more people are turning to cable?
I have yet to see JoAnne Millionaire nor an Average Jane reality dating series. If a handsome man were presented with 15 heavy, balding, socially awkward, "average" women with hairy backs my money would be on his rapid departure. Out the door. Before a rose ceremony.
Ironically, in real life it's not the just women who want a decent looking man. Some of these programming guys seem to have forgotten that they themselves sought out the woman with the looks of a model, the brains of a flea and knockers big enough to give him a concussion if he isn't careful.
Just seeking parity here. But of course, I'll still watch out of perverse curiosity.
Camera update:
I'm overwhelmed! Still have 5 personal thank yous to send out but thanks to your help, I've reached my goal. A million thanks yous to all who floated me a buck. I've sent the camera out to be repaired and am eagerly anticipating its return! You all rock...but you already knew that :)
click and read: makeoutcity
Posted by Moxie at 11:07 PM | Comments (18)
vanity date
Best laugh I had all morning, via the KTLA5 morning show:
Finally, a place other than Los Angeles where the vain and shallow can feel at home while seeking equally narcissistic and superficial dates.
v cool blog: brooklyn to baghdad
Posted by Moxie at 8:47 AM | Comments (8)
