Moxie

It’s finally toasty here in Southern California.

Personally, I enjoy when it gets hotter than satan’s ass. Mostly because I’m a good conservative and don’t want a poor fool like Al Gore to suffer through even more shame. God hates Schadenfreude.

You can’t debate Al! He has pictures of swimming polar bears. True semi-aquatic animals. Swimming, as nature intended. Tragic.

So now, everyone is talking about how to stay cool during a heat wave. Here are some scientific facts and recommendations. Because I’m all about science:

- Fact: Most people who die during a heat wave are environmentalists.

They refuse to “waste” energy by turning on a fan or even worse their air conditioning. This is because the earth is far more important than human life.

- Fact: For every liberal who refuses to turn on the lights, AC or old-fashioned fans — energy has been freed up for 100 right wing wackos to cool and comfort their large brood of little conservative Lucifers.

This is the true meaning of freedom, as intended by the founding fathers.

- Fact: As required by your lefty voter registration card, you are mandated to avoid drinking water if it might better serve Mother Gaia.

She’s so hot! And not in that sexy, hairy, androgynous way — and unlike you, my liberal friend — she has no hands to fan her sweaty face.

Shockingly ONLY 70.8% of her body is covered in water, so that quart or two you might need to drink could be the last straw.

Who wants that on their conscience? Not me! I’m sticking to Diet Coke. No straw, that might end up in a landfill, Gaia’s crotch.

- Fact: Tree-huggers seek peace, solace and shade for overheated flab under a nurturing tree. But…

Like those rain forests you fight to save, all trees expel much more dreaded carbon dioxide than any old car or Michael Moore’s daily rectal emissions.

- Fact: When it gets hot, the best thing you can do is hope for Toyota to build a double wide trailer version of the Prius.

Hence, you can always feel good about your soul, even though you’ve already sold it to the devil.

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